you know, i never got this before. the idea that there should be a part of you that you keep hidden away from the rest of the world. if anything, good or bad, happened in my life, i immediately wanted to share it. if i wasn’t able to do so, it often caused me discomfort, to varrying degrees. openess was my default setting.

but recently something happened, like a switch being flipped. maybe it was because i was living in a house with eight other people, sharing a room with another human, and had NO privacy whatsoever. all of a sudden i have become enamored with the idea of starting a new life. that is not to say that i want to leave my old one behind. i just want something else, something more, that the people who know me will never find. a different me that co-exists with the me that my friends, my family, my co-workers, my aquaintances, my WORLD get to see. i want secret plans.

yeah, i’m pretty sure that’s always true. so, as natalie tran put it when she was making excuses for not having made a lammingtons video yet, “i’m like a real friend, i promise things i don’t deliver.”

i was sitting yesterday on my balcony, smoking a cigarette. this, of course, made me feel awfully guilty, which dredged up all the other things about which i feel guilty. amongst that myriad of infractions was the fact that i hadn’t followed through with my new year’s resolution, and that it hadn’t even taken too long for the disruption to occur. so i made myself a promise, yesterday, sitting on that balcony. starting tomorrow (now today) the daily lovelies would return, to spread joy to my mum and brother, and sam, who are the only people who read my blog. it’s cool guys, i’ve got you covered.

editor’s note: i don’t know what a lammington is, dude, she still hasn’t made the video.

i currently owe the sweet girl downstairs a dollar twenty five. my debit card, as i was attempting to purchase a coffee, responded that my limit had been exceeded. limit? what limit? the limit that states that only lets me withdraw or spend a maximum of a thousand dollars in one day without having to visit a teller? it’s $1.25… did you mean insufficient funds? you CAN’T have meant that, because the funds AREN’T insufficient. i’m not speculating here, mr debit card; i just checked.

hmm. what a mystery.

the girl behind the counter was super nice, and said, “you come back and pay later, it’s ok.”

doing this whole “daily lovely” thing has made me pay more attention to the beautiful things around me. it’s made me take note. that being said, in my quest for new content i find myself dwelling on certain things that might be considered somewhat sad, and i wonder whether they would be appropriate lovely material, or whether i should keep things light and fluffy?

for example: everyone who knows me knows i’m a pretty huge “buffy, the vampire slayer” fan. while the show is chock-full of of lines (not to mention shots, cuts, music, people, you name it…) that could be called lovely for their wit, their hilarity, their wisdom; these past few days one in particular has been popping into my head over and over.

it’s from the musical episode, “once more, with feeling,” which was written and directed by joss whedon himself. at one point, xander and anya, two characters who are engaged to be married, sing a song about their doubts in the face of matrimonial commitment. xander is an underachieving college drop out, whose normalcy is made that much more painful by his friends’ extensive successes and superpowers. anya is a newly human (and newly reformed) ex-demon, whose thousand plus years as an evil-doing immortal have made her abrasive and sometimes emotionally stunted. they each enumerate the things they find irritating about their respective partners, normal things like unpleasant eating habits and idiosyncrasies. but then comes one of my favorite lines this brilliant show has ever produced. in unison they sing “i lied, i said it’s easy. i’ve tried, but there’s these fears i can’t quell.” then xander sings, “is she looking for a pot of gold?” to which anya replies, “will i look good when i’ve gotten old?”

i find anya’s query heartbreakingly beautiful. here is this being whose extensive life as a demon has served to alienate her from her newfound human friends. whose struggle against this alienation is both difficult and unrelenting, as she constantly has to re-evaluate her actions, and process criticism from the people around her who tell her what “human society” finds socially acceptable. but with that simple question anya shows the audience exactly what she is under that ill mannered, uncouth, anti-social exterior: human.

she, who had grown accustomed to the prospect of unending life and youth, now trembles not only at the thought of getting old and dying, but at the thought of looking old. just like the rest of us. how much more clearly can her humanity shine through?

but why do i find this beautiful? because i love humanity, with all it’s flaws and frailties, and potential for both greatness and horror. with my recent (and painful) transition from agnosticism to atheism, people are all i have left to believe in. but i cling to that belief, and everyday it gives me something else to be happy about.

ah, but this doesn’t answer my original question. so in the interest of coherence, and at the expense of finishing on a note of poignance, i’ll get to that now. the fact is that this is my blog, and my point in posting about something lovely everyday was not only to keep track of the beautiful things around me, but also to evaluate why i find them beautiful, so that i could see as much good as possible, even in things that seem at first to be sad, or painful, and garner as much joy from my life and my surroundings as my rational mind will allow.

in short, if i see beauty, i think it belongs on the daily lovely, and my definition of beauty is wide and scary, so bear that in mind for future reading.

twenty-five days into the year and i already find myself cutting my losses. this simply will not do.

in light of all the ugliness the beginning of 2010 has brought me, i’m making a belated new year’s resolution: the daily lovely. stay tuned.

dear jeremy,
i went to the movies, and while i was waiting for the show to start, i wandered through the arcade. i made up my mind, right then and there: i am coming to montreal soon, we are going to get mildly intoxicated, and i am going to join the revolution, once and for all.

my brother called me last night. he asked what was up, and i told him that i was going to take the semester off of school, for various reasons. his answer to this was, “again?”

ugh. over and over, the same thing. but here’s the thing: i am trying to avoid my usual patterns. more accurately, i guess, i am trying to circumvent them. i am trying to take a break and recover, so that i can start functioning from a position of strength, not the weakness to which i am so well accustomed.

the beginning of a new semester rolls around. i am inevitably exhausted from all the previous semesters; from all the days and weeks and months i spent playing catch up, and the time and energy invested in efforts that never ended up as accomplishments. i’ve tried, i’ve failed, i’ve dug myself in deeper.

but i am tearfully, fearfully optimistic: oh, that was so bad, so hard, it has to get better from here on in, right? i can do this if i try really, really hard; if i give it everything i’ve got left. can’t i?

well, i’m sad to say that the answer to that question has been no. the universe conspired, the stars aligned themselves, my courage and strength and kidneys gave out, and i was left holding the bag. and that was where i was headed, again. how many times can i try, almost make it, and then watch all my hard work bear out as nothing? i cried, i cried, i cried; but i let go.

at twenty five years old i feel ancient. i am behind, i’m running so late for life that by the time i join the party it’ll already be time to call it a night. i look around me at the freshmen on campus, the bright young faces and eager eyes, and i think how appropriate it is: freshmen. i look at the boys with broad shoulders, the girls with the deliberate gaits of those with a sense of accomplishment; the third and fourth years that are well on their way to their destinations of choice. i am neither, so i feel like i am nothing.

and so i am compelled by these feelings to push myself, to continue in the face of possible (well, lets face it, likely) failure in an attempt to silence the voices that nurture my insecurity, my feelings of worthlessness and stagnation and hopelessness. voices that are not only in my head, but all around me too (“again?”). but what good is that? have i really learned nothing from these excruciating past few years? wouldn’t that make them an actual waste of time, instead of a misrepresented collection of experiences whose purpose my (admittedly depressed, there were tests done and everything, but seriously, i’m working on it) mind can’t quite yet grasp?

it’s time for me to stop. it’s time for me to dig upwards, out of the hole, instead of downwards toward my annihilation. i don’t feel like i will ever amount to anything, and i don’t feel like i’ll ever be happy, safe or healthy again. but what i feel and what i think are two very different things. i think i can get better, and that if i do i can do good things. i just have to ignore myself, and give myself the chance.

something that i really, really want to do before i die: write to joey comeau, to express my most sincere admiration, and deepest thanks.

you guys are failing as seekers, i’m not hiding that hard. only the gimp has found me, and that’s just cause i’m a bit of a re.

i see a beautiful opportunity to more efficiently use my time in this, my wonderful new technological acquisition. this stats class is revue for me, so i can relax and feel optimistic about the future for a second. and now, thanks to my laptop (as yet unnamed) i can record my optimism, and show it to all of you. how lovely!

i really am happy right now. the cool morning air didn’t bother me, cause i was prepared enough to wear a sweater. the sun shone as i made my way to class on time. it seems like minutiae, like details not worth noticing, but i do notice them. and although, when enough of those little details represent unpleasant stimuli, i am somewhat easily exhausted or discouraged these days; i feel that when things are good, i am not one to take clean socks, good food or pretty red leaves on an autumn tree for granted.

i have been taking my pills. diligently. maybe they are working.