no more negativity. it is poison. only optimism.

one of the reasons i don’t write on this thing to often is that my mood never stays stable long enough for me to get something coherent down. about fifteen minutes ago i was stressed but in a good mood. now i wish i could literally EXPLODE, burning, maiming and killing everyone in a fifteen mile radius. where did all this venom come from???

actually, you know what? i know where if came from. my family. my friends. my house, my mess. my school, my future. I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE THIS ANY MORE.

how many months am i going to keep feeling like this? how many more YEARS am i going to be overwhelmed and playing catch up? i am going to get old, and when i do i’ll look back at all this stress and sickness, and the words “story of my life…” will inevitably spring to mind. i am bright and funny and i try REALLY hard to be nice BECAUSE I FUCKING CARE about people. this is INSANE!!!

this is the story of my life…

edit

the lesser of two evils:

is it better to worry about the people around you, in an effort to help them when they need it (even if helping is just empathising once in a while); or to get cold and closed off to save yourself?

i am pissed off for no reason.

my mum is away in bc. she has only been gone since yesterday morning, but i miss her like crazy. when she is five minutes away i never talk to her.

i miss my friends from turkey.

i am overwhelmed by my life, which is kinda pathetic, considering how easy i have it.

i miss jeremy. i wonder why i always miss jeremy when i get really really stressed.

i don’t want to go home.

i don’t want to be here, trapped at work. sometimes i think i hate my job. sometimes i think i am just an unhappy person, and i will like my job more when i figure out how to more emotionally and mentally stable.

i want to be left alone.

i want to go swimming, but i hate lakes and over-chlorinated indoor pools. wow, am i ever spoiled.

i want to eat healthy, feel healthy, lose weight.

i really want to be left alone. i need a vacation, like away from EVERYTHING, i need to get away.

…

i’m sitting at work with 23 minutes left to go before i can get out of here. when i leave this building i will panic, because i don’t want to go home, and i don’t want to go anywhere else. i suppose that’s not entirely true, but getting on a plane or a bus is not exactly an option right now, especially what with all the shit i have that needs dealing with.

fuck, why am i so angry?

i broke the rules. i only have two rules when i’m drinking, and on canada day i broke them both. not only did i skip the glass of water i normally drink for every glass of alcohol, but i drank on a completely empty stomach. i hadn’t been hungover in years, and i guess i was starting to think i was exempt. yeah, not so much…

so i guess i should probably thank evan, who took care of not one, but two excessively intoxicated people that night. he chased greg around, keeping him from drunkenly attacking any of the other peaceful partygoers, or falling down the stairs and breaking his neck. he helped me upstairs when i went from zero to almost unconcious in under an hour (i think… it’s all really blurry, not positive about the timeline). And he sat beside me and tried to hold my hair as i expelled massive (and i do mean massive) quantities of pineapple juice and stolichnaya (and nothing but) into a bowl beside my bed, because i couldn’t even stagger to the bathroom.

ev, i’m really sorry you had to deal with me making an ass of myself like that, but i’m really glad you were there. thanks.