zero hour

hiking the appalachian trail has been a long-time interest of mine.

it was while doing research on the requirements of such a hike that i came across the concept of “zero days.” these are days on which your entire job is to cover no distance at all, and just let your body rest and recover.

it is november now. november is going to be… hard. very, very hard. exams, assignments, papers, labs, deadlines, deadlines, deadlines. november is going to be much too busy for zero days.

so instead i will allow myself zero hours. here and there, a moment to sit and recharge. to enjoy a couple of guilt-free rows of knitting, or snuggles with creatures, or daydreams about creative outlets.

i am allowed to relax, i am allowed to recover. it is good for me.

it’s match point again, but i will keep playing.

it is the middle of the night.  i have only a few hours left to finish my work before my early morning class.  i am facing deadlines by myself.  my dog is asleep next to me.  the world is asleep.

i feel so alone.

i am not alone.

i am exhausted.  i am stressed.  i am terrified of failure that my relentless brain tells me is inevitable and imminent.  i am desperate for respite that never seems to come.  i am so hurt, so broken.

but i am not alone.

so, i am grateful.  i will keep trying.

oh, joy

i’m having flashbacks to high school.  i’ve had my homework done for several days, but i got to class five minutes late (after a lab on a different campus that got out a half hour before class started) so i get a zero.  good times.

technically i am 100% in the wrong.  but if they are gonna be that strict, i really wish they’d hold themselves to the same standards…

making lemonade

i showed up to my first lab at 8:30 in the morning.  too bad it’s actually at 4pm.

still, i’ve managed to use this spare time wisely.  not only did i send out emails to several professors regarding a research program that could award me a $1000 scholarship, but i also registered for a global health conference.

my first conference!  good thing i got some fancy new shoes this weekend.

decisions…

one of the (many) symptoms of anxiety and depression is crippling indecision.  even the simplest of choices, like which cereal to buy, or which shirt to wear, can totally stymie someone with these issues.

and here i sit, faced with some pretty major decisions whose urgency is only increasing.

i will try to relax.  i will try to remember that all i can do is my best.  that “wrong” decisions may lead to hardship, but that does not necessarily mean failure.  my success is not riding on my making the right choice.  it is something that i am able to fight through adversity and bad luck to obtain.  i have done it before and i can do it again.

i will make up my mind, and trust in my ability to deal with whatever comes next.

first day of class

today is the first day of my third year in nursing, and it is off to a less than auspicious start.

when picking a shirt out of the basket of “clean” laundry this morning, i found myself having to choose the one that smelled the least like mold and nastiness, as i apparently left the load in the washing machine for too long after the cycle had ended.  i think i was only moderately successful.

i then discovered, after having left the house, that both my shoes and my schoolbag have been peed on by cats.

i would have gone home to change after having picked up my parking pass, but unfortunately my parents’ subaru wouldn’t start, so a tow truck had to be called to pick it up from downtown.  i had to take the shuttle to school, and didn’t have time to go home first.

when i got to school i went to pick up my school issued bus pass, as it was now my only means of getting home (i have no change, bus tickets, or presto card on me, though i have all fucking three at home…).  unfortunately, the machine for printing the cards is broken, so they can take my picture and print it up overnight, but for today i am shit out of luck.

so here i sit, stranded and smelling of cat pee, and it is only 12:30.  i honestly can’t wait to see what the rest of the day brings.  seriously, what’s next?

A memo about capitalization

This blog is not where I try and showcase my efforts. This blog is where I go to empty my brains when they are full and aching. It’s for my convenience more than anything else.

It’s because of this that I never capitalize anything when I post here, because typing with capitals on a normal keyboard can really slow me down, and I already type very slowly.

That being said, the advent of modern technology has brought with it the ability to post from devices that have autocorrect. At this point, trying to maintain any uniformity would mean going out of my way to fight the autocorrect, and that goes against the whole point of this blog.

All this to say that, from now on, sometimes this blog will have capital letters, sometimes it won’t, and if you don’t like the inconsistency, you have come to the wrong place.