as i knew he would, jar has come to my rescue. jar, i heart you very much. i will write you when i calm down, and call you very soon, but right now i am having a panic-attacky day.

by the power vested in me i now knight thee, sir jar the admin.

last night james sat silent on my bed, i couldn’t get up off the floor. i cried so hard i couldn’t breathe, and the floor underneath me, the bed on which i leaned, rocked back and forth. the room was all blue, it was almost dark, and james didn’t touch me.

i am run down lately. i have too much to deal with, and i’ve never been good at taking on more than one problem at a time. and yet…

the world ended for me last night. my life was over, i accepted it. and yet…

i am sitting at work right now, warm and dry despite the storm raging outside. magazines to be clipped, the wire to be done, a bag of cereal to be put away; i will go about my day. my eyes are still swollen, but now i can breathe. my family is sick, and it seems like there is no hope, but i don’t believe we’ll be like this forever. i have hope, i have love, i have a futur.

i am run down lately. i find myself more and more often with my head in my hands, always repeating the same four words.

i don’t need this.

the significance of these moments of vulnerability, the isolation i feel despite the loved ones that surround me, is here: what do i need? i am being pushed by these words to answer that question, and in so doing to consider my options if these needs are not met.

what do i need? i guess we’ll see.