danielle asked me if i had a victory dance.  i told her that i have a couple of dances, but not really a victory dance, cause i’m not really used to victory.

she dutifully reminded me about the recent conclusion of my battle against SBI4U.  that’s when it occurred to me that my victory dance upon getting that piece of good news consisted of me calling up my mother, and sobbing at her over the phone.

the little piece of my life that was SBI4U is over.  i feel very tired.  and, strangely enough, i feel no sense of relief.

i am waiting for the weight to be lifted.

taking a break from studying, i browse facebook for a few minutes.  i read statuses from friend after friend of mine, wishing all fathers, and their own in particular, a happy fathers’ day.  the ones that make me feel the worst are those that say, “miss you, wish you were still here…”

it’s too late now, and i run the risk of waking them if i call at this hour.  i didn’t forget that it was fathers’ day.  i was trying to get to a place where i could tell my father (for whom i have nothing on this holiday), that my gift to him was that i was well and truly making myself a better person, and that i might (here’s the real road block) actually succeed.  but i didn’t just want to say it, i wanted to believe it, so i put off picking up the phone.

so dad, if you read this, i’m sorry i didn’t call.  it’s not that i didn’t think about you.  i was waiting until the right moment to call you, and my time ran out.

a few minutes ago i sat here, utterly discouraged.  the past few days have been full of unpleasantness after unpleasantness, irritation after irritation, loop after loop for which i’ve been thrown.  i am worn out.  i felt totally defeated.  I felt that no matter how many inches you gain, entropy will always claw them back, and more.

but now i feel ok. 

i was studying for the exam i have to write in a couple of days, and i read about prions.  they are a kind of infected protein that is bent all funny, and when they come into contact with normal, healthy proteins, they make them bend all funny too.  they are unpleasant and scary, because they kill you and stuff, and because no one really knows much about them.  but they are also reeeeeeaaaaally interesting.

and so here’s the thing: nothing that happens to me, none of the unpleasantness or unhappiness or upset, will ever change the fact that these little mutant killer proteins exist.  and their existance alone is astounding and engaing enough for me to say to myself, “wait, this is worth it.”

someday i will make a very good nurse.

my flights are booked, and my seats are reserved.   so are wupglo’s.   this feeling is surreal.

my doctor says i should blog more, or at least have more confidence in the little i do produce.  i am holding myself back by doubting my own abilities, apparently.  i should just do (in general), and if the feedback is negative (which it may not be) then i should do again and make it better.

it really is getting hot in here.  there is a heat wave today, gonna be forty with the humidex.  i’m ok with this, i suppose.  it gives me an excuse to mist charlie.  look, it’s for his own good!  kek.

i should go back to studying.