there is too much. my school, my family, my lover, my friends, my doctor, my job. the mess in the kitchen, the mess in the living room, my messy room, the medication, the bills, the groceries, the cat, the plants on the windowsill. the music, the photographs, the television, the pencils and thick white sketchbooks, the sunlight on the wall. the cravings, the lonliness, the disappointment, the misunderstanding, the miscommunication. i am not special. it’s just too much.
it’s late. i should go to bed.
i found the music i was looking for, a couple of beautiful songs that make me heartsick. i don’t know if this counts as a little bit of satisfaction at the end of an unsatisfying day; or if it just makes me feel more restless and unsatisfied by my unrealized hopes, and anxious thoughts of wasted times, both already past and still to come.
i took pictures of my loved ones with my new camera. i had been too afraid to use it. jar sits on my bed, making up his own language to describe the new world with which he is engaging. i am happy.
don’t worry, just start moving. inertia will do the rest.
i dreamt i sat down next to him, and he put his hand on my leg. we talked about nothing till i woke up.
last night was good. feeling a little like people again; that’s something i haven’t felt in a long while. it wasn’t the good old times, but it was close enough to keep me warm the next morning.
it’s possible i’m working my way towards fixing my self up. towards an easy mind and lighter limbs. clear eyes and wide smiles. what more could a girl want?
i forget what it is i sat down to write. every thought i have is part of something larger, disjointed and too incomplete for me to express. or maybe not.
maybe i’ll try. point form.
every time james and i face off, things get clearer. i am greatful to and for him.
i’ve stopped hiding from the world. friends, family, work, school, karate. it’s only been a couple of days, but those days have been a change. i spent time with my anna today. i wasn’t scared, of her or of ian, or of class. i went to class. baby steps.
i remembered how much na and i have in common. we giggled like schoolgirls.
my restlessness will pass. my cravings will quiet down eventually. food, cigarettes, alcohol, destructive appetites… i blame the time of year, and thank the extra weight that keeps impulse from becoming temptation or, heaven forefend, indulgence. i am weak willed.