a little toilet humour?
i barged in on my mum in the bathroom, cause i haven’t seen her in a while and wanted to talk to her as she got home from work. we have a very liberal household. still she wasn’t very happy at the intrusion. she said to me, “come on, sophie go away i’m trying to poop. i can’t concentrate, it’s like my anus is on another planet!” and then she burst into hysterical laughter at the realization of what she had just said. i left promptly.
phoebe, who is rolling around right now on the floor making noises like a broken child, peed in a basket of clean laundry. i have yet to tell anyone about it… or move the basket.
and today i saw james, my boyfriend of one and a half years, pee for the first time. this is because i refused to let him have the bathroom, so he threatened to use my sink. it was not, as i would soon find out, an idle threat.
my mum forgot her buspass this morning. she got all the way to the stop before she realized it, and ran every step of the way back to the house. she burst in, in a loud yet breathless panic, and screamed, “sophie, please, i forgot my buspass, i ran all the way, get up, dive me to the stop!”
first it’s important to know: i don’t have my liscence, just a learners. second: it was six in the morning and i had gone to bed two hours earlier.
i didn’t think at all, i just got up and went for the door. mum said, “here, wear this…” and handed me my father’s shirt and shoes. i ran for the car, got in, and she threw the keys at my head. the little automatic-pilot in my head drove me all the way to the bus stop, where the bus was just pulling up, and home again without incident. safely back in my driveway it took me forty seconds or so to figure out that i was sitting in a car, it’s engine running; that i should turn it off and go inside. as i stepped out of the car the wind picked up and i realized that i was standing in the middle of my driveway, in nothing but a completely unbuttoned white men’s dress shirt, and a pair of men’s size ten sneakers. i went back to bed.
i got up again, just in time to go to work for nine hours straight without any breaks, doing two jobs because one of the guys who was supposed to work the floor was sent home because he was arguing with the other floor person and felt he had “too much rage”. but it’s ok cause one drunk customer tipped me (the cashier) four dollars on a sixteen dollar (tax included) meal, and the owner of epochs (a jewlery store across the hall) who does some of our paperwork gave me two free balls for my tongue-ring that glow under a black light (he said it was something about wanting to have his balls in my mouth…).
i was lying on the bottom bunk in my room with one hand behind my head, the other holding a popcycle. it was fat free, sugar free, sweetened with aspartame, had orange on the outside and “ice cream” in the middle. phoebe was beside me, leaning on my leg. i ate my popcycle. i offered her a taste several times, let her sniff and reject the artificial orangey goodness. phoebs doesn’t normally like poeple food anyway. it was my popcycle, and i ate it. i was trying to compose in my head a reponse to a recent post on the gimp’s blog, the one about his inability to fall asleep at night. i watched my left nipple contract cause of the cold. there was no more orange left, only “ice cream” and phoebe decided she actually wanted to try it. she did, and she liked it. i let her have the rest, no popcycle in the world can give me as much joy as i get from watching my cat eat. i was writing and re-writing in my mind, smiling at phoebe and scratching her neck. i came up with the perfect response:
alex, go to hell.
i can’t sleep, and my cat is going into heat. tomorrow i have to get up fairly early and go in for my “orientation day” at marchelino. the time i have to sleep is decreasing exponentially (the irony of it is that the later i fall asleep, the earlier i have to set my alarm, because the more tired i am, the more time it takes me to get myself up and ready to go) but i’ve decided that if i’m still up by a quarter to two i’m going to make myself a pot of mr noodles and eat it with my new chopsticks while watching the late episode of buffy on space.
phoebe is murmurring beside me, i really feel for her.
tonight i go to sleep in anna’s bed, in a forest of bamboo. but first:
i’ve taken to watching the clouds recently, because a wise man once quoted some other wise man and said, “always look up, everything good is up.”… as it turns out, they were right. this morning on the bus i was doing just that, and i saw two rainbow clouds. and i don’t mean there were two clouds with a rainbow between them, i mean they were rainbow colored. the rest of the sky was scattered with clouds, but only two of them were colored. it was one of the strangest and most beautiful things i have ever seen. i sat and watched them out the window of the bus, desperately wishing that by some crazy and impossible fluke of physics jer could see the ottawa sky from wherever he happened to be in montreal… i stared for ten or so minutes before i couldn’t contain myself any longer and had to point it out to the old guy sitting in front of me. i really haven’t been that excited in a long long time…
the beginning of my day has been so strange, why shouldn’t the end follow suit? tonight my dad did something he hasn’t done in over ten years, and it resulted in him giving me cookies and saying, “one for you, an’ one for anna. anna spanana.”
also, one of my future co-workers said to me, with a heavy african accent and while motioning as if he were squeezing fruit of some kind, “i’ve never seen a white woman with that kind of backside!”
who goes out job hunting and gets an on-the-spot interview that leads to their immediate hiring with the second resum� they drop off?
that would be me…