i am not feeling very well.  neither my brains, nor my body are holding up.  i am having a really hard time.

i will keep trying, but i just had to say it.  it hurts so much.

my degree is over.

my career has not yet started.

please stay tuned.

I’ve been having a really rough time of it. Sometimes I have to remind myself…

hiking the appalachian trail has been a long-time interest of mine.

it was while doing research on the requirements of such a hike that i came across the concept of “zero days.” these are days on which your entire job is to cover no distance at all, and just let your body rest and recover.

it is november now. november is going to be… hard. very, very hard. exams, assignments, papers, labs, deadlines, deadlines, deadlines. november is going to be much too busy for zero days.

so instead i will allow myself zero hours. here and there, a moment to sit and recharge. to enjoy a couple of guilt-free rows of knitting, or snuggles with creatures, or daydreams about creative outlets.

i am allowed to relax, i am allowed to recover. it is good for me.

i have an exam this afternoon. i am trying to study.

nothing is sticking. words float around in front of me, and make no impression on my mind or memory.

this is gonna go great.

it is the middle of the night.  i have only a few hours left to finish my work before my early morning class.  i am facing deadlines by myself.  my dog is asleep next to me.  the world is asleep.

i feel so alone.

i am not alone.

i am exhausted.  i am stressed.  i am terrified of failure that my relentless brain tells me is inevitable and imminent.  i am desperate for respite that never seems to come.  i am so hurt, so broken.

but i am not alone.

so, i am grateful.  i will keep trying.

sitting in the first lecture for community health, and i should be paying better attention.  welcome to fourth year.

i’m having flashbacks to high school.  i’ve had my homework done for several days, but i got to class five minutes late (after a lab on a different campus that got out a half hour before class started) so i get a zero.  good times.

technically i am 100% in the wrong.  but if they are gonna be that strict, i really wish they’d hold themselves to the same standards…

i showed up to my first lab at 8:30 in the morning.  too bad it’s actually at 4pm.

still, i’ve managed to use this spare time wisely.  not only did i send out emails to several professors regarding a research program that could award me a $1000 scholarship, but i also registered for a global health conference.

my first conference!  good thing i got some fancy new shoes this weekend.

one of the (many) symptoms of anxiety and depression is crippling indecision.  even the simplest of choices, like which cereal to buy, or which shirt to wear, can totally stymie someone with these issues.

and here i sit, faced with some pretty major decisions whose urgency is only increasing.

i will try to relax.  i will try to remember that all i can do is my best.  that “wrong” decisions may lead to hardship, but that does not necessarily mean failure.  my success is not riding on my making the right choice.  it is something that i am able to fight through adversity and bad luck to obtain.  i have done it before and i can do it again.

i will make up my mind, and trust in my ability to deal with whatever comes next.