when he said, “you should get your liscence…” i knew what he really meant.

and it was only one of the reasons i cried.

a little toilet humour?

i barged in on my mum in the bathroom, cause i haven’t seen her in a while and wanted to talk to her as she got home from work. we have a very liberal household. still she wasn’t very happy at the intrusion. she said to me, “come on, sophie go away i’m trying to poop. i can’t concentrate, it’s like my anus is on another planet!” and then she burst into hysterical laughter at the realization of what she had just said. i left promptly.

phoebe, who is rolling around right now on the floor making noises like a broken child, peed in a basket of clean laundry. i have yet to tell anyone about it… or move the basket.

and today i saw james, my boyfriend of one and a half years, pee for the first time. this is because i refused to let him have the bathroom, so he threatened to use my sink. it was not, as i would soon find out, an idle threat.

my mum forgot her buspass this morning. she got all the way to the stop before she realized it, and ran every step of the way back to the house. she burst in, in a loud yet breathless panic, and screamed, “sophie, please, i forgot my buspass, i ran all the way, get up, dive me to the stop!”

first it’s important to know: i don’t have my liscence, just a learners. second: it was six in the morning and i had gone to bed two hours earlier.

i didn’t think at all, i just got up and went for the door. mum said, “here, wear this…” and handed me my father’s shirt and shoes. i ran for the car, got in, and she threw the keys at my head. the little automatic-pilot in my head drove me all the way to the bus stop, where the bus was just pulling up, and home again without incident. safely back in my driveway it took me forty seconds or so to figure out that i was sitting in a car, it’s engine running; that i should turn it off and go inside. as i stepped out of the car the wind picked up and i realized that i was standing in the middle of my driveway, in nothing but a completely unbuttoned white men’s dress shirt, and a pair of men’s size ten sneakers. i went back to bed.

i got up again, just in time to go to work for nine hours straight without any breaks, doing two jobs because one of the guys who was supposed to work the floor was sent home because he was arguing with the other floor person and felt he had “too much rage”. but it’s ok cause one drunk customer tipped me (the cashier) four dollars on a sixteen dollar (tax included) meal, and the owner of epochs (a jewlery store across the hall) who does some of our paperwork gave me two free balls for my tongue-ring that glow under a black light (he said it was something about wanting to have his balls in my mouth…).

i was lying on the bottom bunk in my room with one hand behind my head, the other holding a popcycle. it was fat free, sugar free, sweetened with aspartame, had orange on the outside and “ice cream” in the middle. phoebe was beside me, leaning on my leg. i ate my popcycle. i offered her a taste several times, let her sniff and reject the artificial orangey goodness. phoebs doesn’t normally like poeple food anyway. it was my popcycle, and i ate it. i was trying to compose in my head a reponse to a recent post on the gimp’s blog, the one about his inability to fall asleep at night. i watched my left nipple contract cause of the cold. there was no more orange left, only “ice cream” and phoebe decided she actually wanted to try it. she did, and she liked it. i let her have the rest, no popcycle in the world can give me as much joy as i get from watching my cat eat. i was writing and re-writing in my mind, smiling at phoebe and scratching her neck. i came up with the perfect response:

alex, go to hell.

i can’t sleep, and my cat is going into heat. tomorrow i have to get up fairly early and go in for my “orientation day” at marchelino. the time i have to sleep is decreasing exponentially (the irony of it is that the later i fall asleep, the earlier i have to set my alarm, because the more tired i am, the more time it takes me to get myself up and ready to go) but i’ve decided that if i’m still up by a quarter to two i’m going to make myself a pot of mr noodles and eat it with my new chopsticks while watching the late episode of buffy on space.

phoebe is murmurring beside me, i really feel for her.

tonight i go to sleep in anna’s bed, in a forest of bamboo. but first:

i’ve taken to watching the clouds recently, because a wise man once quoted some other wise man and said, “always look up, everything good is up.”… as it turns out, they were right. this morning on the bus i was doing just that, and i saw two rainbow clouds. and i don’t mean there were two clouds with a rainbow between them, i mean they were rainbow colored. the rest of the sky was scattered with clouds, but only two of them were colored. it was one of the strangest and most beautiful things i have ever seen. i sat and watched them out the window of the bus, desperately wishing that by some crazy and impossible fluke of physics jer could see the ottawa sky from wherever he happened to be in montreal… i stared for ten or so minutes before i couldn’t contain myself any longer and had to point it out to the old guy sitting in front of me. i really haven’t been that excited in a long long time…

the beginning of my day has been so strange, why shouldn’t the end follow suit? tonight my dad did something he hasn’t done in over ten years, and it resulted in him giving me cookies and saying, “one for you, an’ one for anna. anna spanana.”

also, one of my future co-workers said to me, with a heavy african accent and while motioning as if he were squeezing fruit of some kind, “i’ve never seen a white woman with that kind of backside!”

who goes out job hunting and gets an on-the-spot interview that leads to their immediate hiring with the second resum� they drop off?

that would be me…

i slack.

this is all going to end very, very badly.

and yet i can’t bring myself to sit down and do ANYTHING constructive.

i just heard judy tell her mom, “your ass is huge!”

for your reading pleasure: go elsewhere. this is poop

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Ya there?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
just walked in, good timing…

baby i’m a lost cause says:
what’s up?

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Smooth. How’d you end up doing on your movie project?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
didn’t james tell you? 96%!!!!!!!!

baby i’m a lost cause says:
you all rule

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Fuck ass! That’s awesome!

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i plan on baking you many many cookies

baby i’m a lost cause says:
possibly bunt cake

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
James didn’t tell me. It was actually Tami who reminded me while we were in our hotel room this weekend.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
ooooooooooooooo hotel?

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
She asked and I realized I never actually did find out.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Yeah! Jacuzzi beside the bed too.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
wow

baby i’m a lost cause says:
very nice

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
We went up north because one of her friends was graduating.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
wow

baby i’m a lost cause says:
good for them

baby i’m a lost cause says:
and good for you

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Yep.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Well, it was alright. Kinda fucked my chi hanging out with a bunch of girls I don’t know and not having any of my boys around.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
But spending Saturday just chillaxin in the hotel with Tami fixed everything.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i would think so.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
I still need to wrangle Gill for this weekend.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
I got Army of Darkness: Boomstick Edition.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
yay

baby i’m a lost cause says:
fun

baby i’m a lost cause says:
james bought a bong

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Ooh! Classy.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
it looks like a tiki war god, but cute

baby i’m a lost cause says:
he saw it from afar

baby i’m a lost cause says:
thought “oooo that’s pretty, what is it?”

baby i’m a lost cause says:
and when he figured it out he was like the happiest i’d ever seen him

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Awesome!

baby i’m a lost cause says:
indeed

baby i’m a lost cause says:
so i am happy, cause he is happy

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
What’d dyke and fag get on their movie thing?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i dunno, i haven’t seen them

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i have his notebook (important notebook)

baby i’m a lost cause says:
and he hasn’t even asked for it back

baby i’m a lost cause says:
they aren’t talking to me

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Let’s hope he got tetanus and subsequent lockjaw after getting scratched by a rusty nail on the bus and that she got rectal warts from sitting in a puddle of homeless puke after slipping on a banana peel and sliding at least 15 feet.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i love you

baby i’m a lost cause says:
hey

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i played counterstrike!!!!

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Yeah!

baby i’m a lost cause says:
yay me!

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i suck

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Tami’s getting her comp fixed up and she’s gonna start too.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
but i’m getting better, last time i played i was 30 and 74. oooo, we should all play together…

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
For sure.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Me, you, Gimp, James, Ev, Lanky, Tam, Arch…

baby i’m a lost cause says:
and na!

baby i’m a lost cause says:
naaaaa

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Can she play on her comp?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i dunno

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
She just plays at Ev’s.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
So both of them can’t play at the same time.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
she can come here and take turns with me

baby i’m a lost cause says:
cause doomgaze is beautiful

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Doomgaze?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
my computer. she’s a beautiful flower….

baby i’m a lost cause says:
and she handles counterstrike very very nicely

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Mine’s called KungFuJesusMachine

baby i’m a lost cause says:
yay

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
And he handles CS like…well…a Kung-Fu Jesus Machine.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
800×600 resolution at 100 fps.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
how do you figure out the fps?

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
net_graph 3

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
In the console.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Push ~ to get the console to pop up.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
will do

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i’m procrastinating

baby i’m a lost cause says:
it’s much harder now that james is gone

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
How so?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
how what so?

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
How’s it much harder minus James?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
because when james is around, there’s always stuff for us to do. right now i am desperately searching for something i can justify doing in the stead of my huge amounts of shit…

baby i’m a lost cause says:
with james stuff is justifiable

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
What does such shit consist of?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
ten page script

baby i’m a lost cause says:
ten page essay on art history

baby i’m a lost cause says:
two film genres essays

baby i’m a lost cause says:
two history of film essays

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
This all has to be done by when?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
last semester….

baby i’m a lost cause says:
don’t ask…

baby i’m a lost cause says:
no one knows the extent of it all

baby i’m a lost cause says:
how much i have to do

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i keep it a secret cause i’ll never be able to do it

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
I’m gonna give you a liberal dose of Do As I Say and Don’t Do As I Did and tell you to start on it, dude.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Unless you’re writing off last semester entirely.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
cause there’s something broken in my brain

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
In which case feel free to fuck it all.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
mmm

baby i’m a lost cause says:
soon

baby i’m a lost cause says:
the fuck it all bit is gonna come soon

baby i’m a lost cause says:
until then i’ll keep trying

baby i’m a lost cause says:
and with that i guess i should go… get to work and what not

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
You have an interesting system.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
I wasn’t as dedicated as you.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
When I saw that the fuck it all was inevitable, I laid down arms and said, “Alright, you win right now.”

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
That’s why I failed like 3 semesters of 4 that I completed.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i give up 65,000,000 times a day

baby i’m a lost cause says:
then decide i’m not dead yet

baby i’m a lost cause says:
it’s a vicious way to live

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i wish i were different

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
I just go for the gusto and do it all at once.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Then I coast along.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Now I’ve found a happy niche of goodness and am content to be where I am.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
and get an uber job and a house and poeple who love you and live happily ever after

baby i’m a lost cause says:
yeah

baby i’m a lost cause says:
so you said it first

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i think i might get drugs or something, cause i can’t do it myself

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i’d almost willingly turn myself into a doped up zombie ifit meant fixing this problem

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
That’d just create a bunch of other problems that you aren’t as good at dealing with because you don’t have enough practice.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
You’d ultimately end up more miserable for having done it.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
so i say but some think differently

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Some being who?

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
And differently how?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
my crazy alcoholic grandmother for one

baby i’m a lost cause says:
but on the reality side, there are councilers, family…

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Read that over one word at a time.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
My: Your.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Crazy: Brain not working.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Alcoholic: Liver eroding, judgement impaired.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Grandmother: Possible dispenser of old-worldly good advice, more likely to be out of touch with all things relevant to you in this day and age.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
all very valid points

baby i’m a lost cause says:
but nothing has worked

baby i’m a lost cause says:
and i’m broken

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
What’re you looking to do for the fall?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
and i want a futur that i’m not gonna have because of this

baby i’m a lost cause says:
oooooo

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i’m applying to carleton

baby i’m a lost cause says:
so i can come home

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Good call. Stay in town with friends who love you and miss having you around.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
yeah

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i thought so too

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
More support than psychotic nudist 4am wakeup alcoholic old woman with skeletal bloated best friend and annoying dog as sidekicks.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i’m printing this out and framing it

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
A useful reminder from your friendly neighborhood Den:

baby i’m a lost cause says:
thanks

baby i’m a lost cause says:
shit

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i have to take antibiotics

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i’ll be back

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
k

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i stole my cousin’s applesauce

baby i’m a lost cause says:
she swore at james today

baby i’m a lost cause says:
her room is at the other end of the house, and this morning james and i woke up to (loud) nelly furtado and christina aguilera

baby i’m a lost cause says:
nothing like a little music to set the mood, eh

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Not at all.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
then james had to go catch a bus into ottawa so i’m getting dressed and james is up and wayy ahead of me

baby i’m a lost cause says:
and he’s out of the room and down the hall

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i finally manage with much difficulty to make my clothes go, and as i step out of my room to hear jude yelling

baby i’m a lost cause says:
FUCK OFF GET THE FUCK OUTA MY ROOM

baby i’m a lost cause says:
!!!!!

baby i’m a lost cause says:
and then the reall kicker

baby i’m a lost cause says:
DIDN’T YOUR PARENTS EVER TEACH YOU TO RESPECT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT?!?!?!?!

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
*blinks, incredulous*

baby i’m a lost cause says:
word for word that’s what she said

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Why was he in her room?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
he was in the doorway, he opened an umbrella at her

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
How old is she?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
guess

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
18?

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
16?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
21

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Interesting. Socially maladjusted?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
just malade

baby i’m a lost cause says:
she’s an alien

baby i’m a lost cause says:
no lie

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Her brain doesn’t work like real people’s?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
nope

baby i’m a lost cause says:
not at all

baby i’m a lost cause says:
she screamed at james

baby i’m a lost cause says:
my lover, whom she barely knows

baby i’m a lost cause says:
that from the girl who blares music all hours of the night

baby i’m a lost cause says:
she borrows my telephone ALL THE TIME (it’s a sore spot), she owes me fifty bucks,

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
How’d James react to her frenzied shrieks?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
and she wouldn’t lend me a lighter

baby i’m a lost cause says:
he seemed like it made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside

baby i’m a lost cause says:
but it may have bothered him, he’s not used to shit like that

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i was the one who was pissed

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Where are you staying right now?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
in montreal, with my maternal grandma and my cousin

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Oh…

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Why’s your cousin such a fucktard?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
lots of reasons

baby i’m a lost cause says:
drugs (she used to do them apparently)

baby i’m a lost cause says:
her mum

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i think thoses are the main two

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Good reasons.

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
If you’re feeling malicious, you should try to make her spaz one night.

baby i’m a lost cause says:
well

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i’ve only ever snapped at her once

baby i’m a lost cause says:
before i was living with her

baby i’m a lost cause says:
and she was shocked at first, and speechless

baby i’m a lost cause says:
but she recovered fast enough

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
Recovered and got on the offensive or recovered and backed off?

baby i’m a lost cause says:
she threw a shoe at my head

baby i’m a lost cause says:
she screamed like a mad man

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i gotta go, linds showed up, she’s gonna buy me coffe

baby i’m a lost cause says:
i’ll be on later

Den – It’s alright sooner or later… says:
I’ll be in bed by then. Take care Soph!

baby i’m a lost cause says:
you too sweetie

ladies and gentlemen, that was me and denis janveau, star of my very first film ever, “what’s with the rice?”… denis makes life good.