last night james sat silent on my bed, i couldn’t get up off the floor. i cried so hard i couldn’t breathe, and the floor underneath me, the bed on which i leaned, rocked back and forth. the room was all blue, it was almost dark, and james didn’t touch me.

i am run down lately. i have too much to deal with, and i’ve never been good at taking on more than one problem at a time. and yet…

the world ended for me last night. my life was over, i accepted it. and yet…

i am sitting at work right now, warm and dry despite the storm raging outside. magazines to be clipped, the wire to be done, a bag of cereal to be put away; i will go about my day. my eyes are still swollen, but now i can breathe. my family is sick, and it seems like there is no hope, but i don’t believe we’ll be like this forever. i have hope, i have love, i have a futur.

i am run down lately. i find myself more and more often with my head in my hands, always repeating the same four words.

i don’t need this.

the significance of these moments of vulnerability, the isolation i feel despite the loved ones that surround me, is here: what do i need? i am being pushed by these words to answer that question, and in so doing to consider my options if these needs are not met.

what do i need? i guess we’ll see.

first things first:
BAHAHAHAAAAA the budget passed! EAT THAT harper, you slimey, worthless, putty-faced wanker!

and after breathing a sigh of relief, and refusing to explain my political views to the world (no, i do not think the liberals are the good guys, i think they are the less bad guys…), i am free to move on with my day.

organization has never been my strong suit, and given the lengthy amount of time i spent incomunicado, and thus the sheer massive volume of things i could go on and on about, i really don’t know where to start… but no matter, i feel like writing. so don’t expect anything grand, and i’ll do my best to get over the irrepressible fear of developping “dear diary” syndrom that has been preventing me (along with many other factors, including laziness, ADD, FFXI, WoW, shawarmas and late night documentaries on the making of pornography, etc.) from writing on a regular basis.

now tell me you love me.

this will mean nothing, but i think it bears mentioning:

i choose my family. now it’s time to build.

i always worry, when i come back home after being away for a while, that spiders are now living in my bed…

i look forward to the day when all i will need is myself. i will speak the truth, and i will make apologies to no one.

when i grow up i am going to be strong.

i’m in university. i’m a history major. my marks are as follows:

psych:
midterm-> A-

western civ:
quiz1-> A+
quiz2-> A+

asian religions:
midterm-> A-

20th century lit:
poetry paper-> A-
midterm-> A+

my relationship with james is still going strong, i’m still doing karate, and i just got my driver’s license. my life is in relatively excellent condition right now.

so maybe it’s time to go see a doctor for this.

today i walked to breakfast with my james, and on the way through a parking lot i found a single abandoned peanut, still in it’s shell, sitting on the pavement. i was of course overjoyed at having spotted such a treasure, and immediatly picked it up and made plans to go, later in the day, to the park and feed it to a squirrel.

so i held this peanut in my hand, sat it next to my plate during breakfast. i remembered not to leave it in the restaurant when we left, which is more than i can say for most of my personal property. as we were heading back to work i was holding james’ hand, and he worked the peanut out of my fingers and dropped it on the ground, something he regularly does with things i pick up off the street. i asked him to please pick it up, and give it back to me, but he refused on the grounds that it wasn’t his peanut, so he shouldn’t have to pick it up. i did, in fact try reasoning with him, but to no avail, and after about a minute and a half the situation had not resolved itself, and i had not yet retrieved my peanut. furthermore, though it had not become more heated, the discussion showed no signs of coming to any sort of conclusion in the near futur. in fact i am quite sure that, had the small foreign man walking hurriedly past us not stepped on and crushed my precious nut into powder, we could have been there for hours.

i went away.

but now i’m back.

rejoice.

things that are good in the life of sophie:

school is over for the summer. i am now faced with three months of unlimited potential. i’m going to read everything i can get my hands on, everything i’ve been holding off on for the last not so little while. i’m going to clean my whole house, top to bottom. i’m going to pack up my stuff and move the hell out of gatineau. i’m going to swim and run and dance and draw and play. i am going to get a job i love, working with people that i love. i am unstoppable.

my application to university has been sent. it’s out of my hands now, i refuse to worry any longer. if i don’t get accepted, i’ll just go back to heritage for another semester. i won’t (as i had been convinced of earlier) burst into a screaming sophie-ball of fire. and on the off chance that i really don’t want to go to cegep, i always have an open invitation to a life in istanbul.

i have now earned my brown belt in traditional shotokan karate. for those of you that don’t know, next is black. on average it takes two years to go from brown to black, but you can do it in a minimum of eighteen months. when i stepped up and bowed to my sensei to accept my belt, he said to me, “i want you to stick with this, you’ll have your black belt in a year and a half.” later that night the whole class stopped to watch as james (he’s a first dan black belt) and i kicked the unholy life out of each other. this was two days shy of a week ago and my bruises are still showing; but you should see the other guy…

my friends are happy, my brother is too, my lover’s a fighter and my parents are proud. my life is in my hands.

and one last thing… it’s my birthday.