my computer illiteracy will not allow me to do that neat thing where i make a link out of a word, so… in any case i have been waiting for this for years:

http://orebweb1.oreb.ca/mlssearch/frm_SearchMlsDetails.asp?x_mls_num=605153

i not a house, it’s a home.

as i knew he would, jar has come to my rescue. jar, i heart you very much. i will write you when i calm down, and call you very soon, but right now i am having a panic-attacky day.

by the power vested in me i now knight thee, sir jar the admin.

last night james sat silent on my bed, i couldn’t get up off the floor. i cried so hard i couldn’t breathe, and the floor underneath me, the bed on which i leaned, rocked back and forth. the room was all blue, it was almost dark, and james didn’t touch me.

i am run down lately. i have too much to deal with, and i’ve never been good at taking on more than one problem at a time. and yet…

the world ended for me last night. my life was over, i accepted it. and yet…

i am sitting at work right now, warm and dry despite the storm raging outside. magazines to be clipped, the wire to be done, a bag of cereal to be put away; i will go about my day. my eyes are still swollen, but now i can breathe. my family is sick, and it seems like there is no hope, but i don’t believe we’ll be like this forever. i have hope, i have love, i have a futur.

i am run down lately. i find myself more and more often with my head in my hands, always repeating the same four words.

i don’t need this.

the significance of these moments of vulnerability, the isolation i feel despite the loved ones that surround me, is here: what do i need? i am being pushed by these words to answer that question, and in so doing to consider my options if these needs are not met.

what do i need? i guess we’ll see.

first things first:
BAHAHAHAAAAA the budget passed! EAT THAT harper, you slimey, worthless, putty-faced wanker!

and after breathing a sigh of relief, and refusing to explain my political views to the world (no, i do not think the liberals are the good guys, i think they are the less bad guys…), i am free to move on with my day.

organization has never been my strong suit, and given the lengthy amount of time i spent incomunicado, and thus the sheer massive volume of things i could go on and on about, i really don’t know where to start… but no matter, i feel like writing. so don’t expect anything grand, and i’ll do my best to get over the irrepressible fear of developping “dear diary” syndrom that has been preventing me (along with many other factors, including laziness, ADD, FFXI, WoW, shawarmas and late night documentaries on the making of pornography, etc.) from writing on a regular basis.

now tell me you love me.

this will mean nothing, but i think it bears mentioning:

i choose my family. now it’s time to build.

i always worry, when i come back home after being away for a while, that spiders are now living in my bed…

i look forward to the day when all i will need is myself. i will speak the truth, and i will make apologies to no one.

when i grow up i am going to be strong.

i’m in university. i’m a history major. my marks are as follows:

psych:
midterm-> A-

western civ:
quiz1-> A+
quiz2-> A+

asian religions:
midterm-> A-

20th century lit:
poetry paper-> A-
midterm-> A+

my relationship with james is still going strong, i’m still doing karate, and i just got my driver’s license. my life is in relatively excellent condition right now.

so maybe it’s time to go see a doctor for this.

today i walked to breakfast with my james, and on the way through a parking lot i found a single abandoned peanut, still in it’s shell, sitting on the pavement. i was of course overjoyed at having spotted such a treasure, and immediatly picked it up and made plans to go, later in the day, to the park and feed it to a squirrel.

so i held this peanut in my hand, sat it next to my plate during breakfast. i remembered not to leave it in the restaurant when we left, which is more than i can say for most of my personal property. as we were heading back to work i was holding james’ hand, and he worked the peanut out of my fingers and dropped it on the ground, something he regularly does with things i pick up off the street. i asked him to please pick it up, and give it back to me, but he refused on the grounds that it wasn’t his peanut, so he shouldn’t have to pick it up. i did, in fact try reasoning with him, but to no avail, and after about a minute and a half the situation had not resolved itself, and i had not yet retrieved my peanut. furthermore, though it had not become more heated, the discussion showed no signs of coming to any sort of conclusion in the near futur. in fact i am quite sure that, had the small foreign man walking hurriedly past us not stepped on and crushed my precious nut into powder, we could have been there for hours.