don’t worry, just start moving. inertia will do the rest.

i dreamt i sat down next to him, and he put his hand on my leg. we talked about nothing till i woke up.

last night was good. feeling a little like people again; that’s something i haven’t felt in a long while. it wasn’t the good old times, but it was close enough to keep me warm the next morning.

it’s possible i’m working my way towards fixing my self up. towards an easy mind and lighter limbs. clear eyes and wide smiles. what more could a girl want?

i forget what it is i sat down to write. every thought i have is part of something larger, disjointed and too incomplete for me to express. or maybe not.

maybe i’ll try. point form.

every time james and i face off, things get clearer. i am greatful to and for him.

i’ve stopped hiding from the world. friends, family, work, school, karate. it’s only been a couple of days, but those days have been a change. i spent time with my anna today. i wasn’t scared, of her or of ian, or of class. i went to class. baby steps.

i remembered how much na and i have in common. we giggled like schoolgirls.

my restlessness will pass. my cravings will quiet down eventually. food, cigarettes, alcohol, destructive appetites… i blame the time of year, and thank the extra weight that keeps impulse from becoming temptation or, heaven forefend, indulgence. i am weak willed.

progress.

it’s not that i don’t want to. i have so much to say.

honest to fucking christ, it’s cause i can’t.

i overheated my spaghetti, so now it burns my mouth and tastes overwhelmingly metallic.

i refuse to dwell on the things i can’t fathom, like the finite number of people or insects or squirrels that have existed on this planet, the finite number of atoms that have gone into creating it. like the finite number of seconds left in the life of my mother or brother, or my own life.

i move on.

it’s been three weeks and a day.

i know this not because i’ve been keeping track, but because i have a calendar near by that i can check. were i to have guessed, i would have said it’s been longer.

though i try my very hardest, i am at a loss for words.

something occured to me:

i cut off all my hair, and am in mourning. although in some cultures those two things might be related, in my case they are not.

funny what you think of in times like these.

i am happy. i’m warm and clean, listening to good music on the way to bed. both the past and the future are filled with good.

don’t let me forget that.

tonight i join the vast legions of the infinitely lucky: those that have slept in jeremy’s bed.

a boy stroked my hair, and made me feel heartsick.